"In Love" is Bullshit

It takes a long time to learn what exactly love is. I grew up in broken home after broken home; divorce after divorce.  My parents were divorced. My parents’ parents were divorced. I cannot think of anyone from my childhood who showed me what true love was. Everyone always gave up. Everyone gave it a good couple of years and then when things got tough, they threw in the towel, so I have never truly known how to love.

In the early years of my marriage, I thought I knew what love was. Love and marriage was supposed to be a husband who put his wife on a pedestal, frequently showered her with attention, gifts, complements, and who worked, helped around the house, and gave up his hobbies for family time. The world leads us to believe that marriage should be that “in love” feeling. Love is butterflies and not being able to quit thinking about someone. Love is beautiful and euphoric. Love is a fiery flame that burns inside and is going to last forever.

Ha.

The world feeds this shit to us and we believe it. This is why so many marriages fail. People go into marriage, thinking they know what love is, then are sadly disappointed when they find out it is nothing like they have been led to believe. I was just as naïve as the next person. I went into marriage thinking that getting married and having a child was going to make my relationship with Daniel a blossoming boat of love and affection. The ring was going to symbolize that I would be his whole world and focus of attention for the rest of eternity. It makes me giggle now to think about it, but being from a life where I had no real model of what love and marriage was; this was truly what I thought.

Love is not a feeling.

Love is a choice.

Love knows that no matter how dark the days will get, you will CHOOSE to love that person tomorrow. My marriage has been through the pits of hell. My marriage has been drug through the mud then ran the fuck over with a car. I beat my marriage and left it for dead in a ditch. I took my marriage for granted. I thought I knew what love was, but I didn’t have a fucking clue. I was so blinded by the world. I was so wrong and last year it finally caught up with me and I almost lost my family.

But here I am. Mrs. Daniel Buchanan.

Still married to my best friend.

He chose to keep loving me when he had every right not to.

It’s so hard to put into words, the love and admiration I have found for my husband. I was blinded by what the world told me was “love.” I was young, naïve, and stupid. The fact that my husband is still married to me is what true love is. His love is forgiveness. His love is seeing me at my worst and still loving me. His love is being hurt by me repeatedly and still loving me. His love is sitting with me while I cry over huge things and the little things that don’t fucking matter and still loving me. His love is cleaning up my diarrhea off of the bathroom floor when I’m sick, and still loving me. His love is watching me give my attention and affection to other people because I was selfish and blind, and still loving me.

I don't know any other wives who have a husband like mine. My Daniel and I have been through the darkest of places in our almost 10 years. He has seen the most evil, most hurtful sides of me and he is still here. He has been through hell and back, because of me, and he is still here. He is an amazing provider, a wonderful daddy to our two boys, a talented musician, and a man who spent many years broken and lost because I put him there, but he is still here. He is still my rock. He is MY husband. He chose to love me.

I don’t find myself to be an expert on love because I am still learning every day. However, I do know that love is not what you watch in movies and it sure the hell isn’t what you read in memes on Facebook. Love is not your significant other telling you Happy Valentine’s Day on Facebook and bringing you a bigger bouquet than your friends. Love is seeing the absolute worst, most evil sides of someone and knowing that you will still choose to love them tomorrow. Love is hard and it is sometimes a daily struggle. But loving my Daniel is my choice and a choice that I will fight for until my last breath, because I know it is real. And real, selfless love is what I have been searching for my whole entire life. It’s the home I always wanted, but never had.

“True love isn’t Romeo and Juliet who died together. True love is Grandma and Grandpa, who grew old together.”